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dementedxcore - talk about your issues

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... [Jan. 6th, 2005|12:50 am]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues
[Current Mood |stressedstressed]

Ok... wow... I am sooo stressed right now! My fiancé and I are in the process of adopting an 8-month old girl named Tia from a teenage mother. Tia is living with us right now, but this is the hardest part: the birthmother has the right to take back the child within 30 days of the initial adoption. I just looked at my calender and their are still 26 days to go!! What if she changes her mind and wants Tia back? I don't think I could take that, I've fallen completely in love with her, I feel as if she's my own. I couldn't stand to lose another child.

I'm fighting the urge to cut or burn or anything just to get the stress to go away! I'm trying to be strong, but it's so tough! I'll probably end up cutting tonight...

Well, sorry this post was so long, just needed to vent...

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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2005|01:23 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues
heres the jist of it:

just recentally, i had a friend from school who hung himself & another who tried to kill herself, and now shes in Oregon in rehab. Part of her therapy is, is that she writes home to ehr mother about things that have gone on. In her most recent letter, she said that me, her, and a few of our other friends had made this suicide pact. I found all this out from my parents. My parentsknow because my friends mom had called upo the head of guidence at our school, who also happens to be my guidence councler. He called my parents and told them of this suicide pact. He also said that he had talked to me about it. And that he had called the other parents whose kids were involved. Two being Cassidy and Byron. I asked both of them if they knew anything about this pact...both said no. And more importantly, Stan, my gc, had never talked to me about this pact! So now, my parents think that i am lying about that.

Thursday night, i went to the mall with a few friends (Brianna, Mike, Sam and me) then Brianna and I went to the movies and met Steve and Fonze. The two of them were being dicks, and wouldnt stop talking the entire movie, so Bri and i left and went the the pizza place, and then waled back up to the movie theatre where i was then going to call my parents to pick me up. When i got there, my dad was already there, and he had my mom on the phone. I told them that Bri and i left early cause we couldnt hear what was going on &it was pointless to stay. My mom doesnt believe that we were actually at the movies. I told her the 100% percent truth, but she still thinks i am lying!

I hate all these damn lies!

On top of this, my cousin, Katie, has cancer...she is 22 with a major in journalism & her entire life ahead of her. The doctors dont give her much time, so they took her off life support.

My dad has been out of work since i was in 6th grade, and so my mom has been going into NYC from 6:30 am till 7:00 pm. What she makes still isnt enough to support our family. Our financials are shit right now.

My parents are on the brink of divorce, but wont because they arent sue how me & my rother would handle it. My dad says that my mom wants a divorce and wants to sell the house, but mom denies ever saying that. (just another lie in my life...i think?)

Ive been cutting since i was in 8th grade. Mom took me to a shrink a soon as she found out about it. that didnt do anything, so i told them i was ok, just so i could stop seeing Dr. Rockwood (my shrink). that worked up until freshman year when my parents realized that i was cutting again. They took me to see a new shrink, Mary-Beth Kneiss. that didnt work out either. so now i am going to Dr. Phish. shes a load of crap, so i want to find someone else. Bri got me the name and number of one of her old shrinks Dr. Emily Adams. my mom found out about it and she seemed upset, so i just dropped it all together. I didnt want to cause more stress at home then there already is.

With all this, ive really got nobody to turn to, nobosy i could rely on. Not anymore anyways.

In 2nd grade, i met this girl, Colleen. We stuck to eachother like glue. I told her everything. We were best friends up until 6th grade. We drifted apart and she told the kids at school everything. Ya see, i went to a Catholic school (8th grade grad class of 52), so word traveled fast. She compleyely broke my trust. Then i found Amy in 7th grade. She was my new person i could confide in. Then in 9th grade, i went to the public school and she went th Pope John, the Catholic hs affiliated w. Revrend Brown (my K-8 Catholic school). All of the sudden she stopped talking to me and treated me like dirt just because i went to a public school. Then in Sparta (my current hs), i met Kendra and Byron the 2nd half of 9th grade. we immediately became real close. We confined in eachother. We all cut, but not together. For the rest of freshman year, the 3 of us were best friends. Then 10th grade rolled around...

Toward the beginning of sophmore year, Byron asked me out. we were together for about a month. Whilke we were going out, thats when Kendra tried to kill herself & Matt hung himself. That same year, one of Byrons friends up in NH died from an OD on heroin. So her best friend killed herself...she was also Byrons friend. Then the thing with Matt and Kendra happened...that really tore him apart. He needed someone to be there for him...someone he could trust...i was that person & he was that person for me. Then we broke up in the beginning of December. He started cutting himself over me & started to cut off ties with people. I was one of the only people he would talk to abouthow he was feeling, but now he doesnt even talk to me! I am worried about him! When he did that, i lost him as someone i could turn to.

Ya see, i am losing everyone ive ever cared about & losing everything about my life in the process...

It seems as if ive hit rock bottom & i dont know how to get back up again!

Im not sleeping, im depresed, i cut, i dont eat...im not hungry at all, and i am starting my "fake happy" again. The only person i have is Bri, and i am afraid to get too close to her in fear of losing her too!

im sorry this entry was so long, i just needed to get it out!

any help would be greatly appreciated!

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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2005|11:41 am]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues

It's official. I'm off my fucking rocker.

I was in the car last night with three friends going to dinner and I was driving. We went by this local diner, but they were closed, so we had to think of somewhere else to go. I asked for suggestions. Someone said Taco Bell, someone said we should just go back home...so at this point I was like "Somebody fucking tell me where we're going," and no one did. I could feel a panic attack coming on, and last time that happened while I was behind the wheel of a car, I hit a fucking street divider and turned the wrong way down several one-way streets. So for the safety of all my friends, I pulled over and asked where we were going to eat. I heard everyone start yelling and arguing and I yelled too so I could be heard over them. Eventually, we drove through Taco Bell.

But when we got back to my friend's house, they all asked why I had been yelling. I said because everyone else had been, and they all fucking stared at me and said no one had even been talking. So basically...I fucking heard voices. This scares me a little. Basically, I had a panic attack because of an argument that was only happening in my mind. So...I think I thoroughly freaked out several of my close friends.

Happy fucking new year.

x psychter
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(no subject) [Jan. 1st, 2005|12:08 am]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues

[Current Mood |chipperchipper]

yeah... hi there. i've been looking at this community for quite a while, and never really had a reason to write in here... and maybe i don't right now, but i just felt like posting something... ^.^

feel like reading more?Collapse )

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Happy New Years [Dec. 31st, 2004|04:17 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues

[Current Mood |enthralled]
[Current Music |Crossfade]

I love eating mandarin oranges out a can in the rain. Thinking of how sharp the cut off top is.
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(no subject) [Dec. 25th, 2004|02:48 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues

a gentle hand
to hold us up
in this unknown
of our fearful soul in a storm
we come to you
for our support
to brave the day
when we break out and learn to fly
from underneath
our sheltered self
of many lies
only to find the truth within
about a life
so pure and free
but innocence
has sheilded us from its love
waiting to find
our gentle heart
so deep inside
for it was long past forgotten
but you came by
and gave us hope
to see the sun
and the silver lining of clouds
that brought on rain
now clear the way
after your touch
and your many efforts for us
a heart to give
filled with yourlove
selfless and true
a role model to all others
living with us
to share your love
for all the world
to see what great things you can do
with roots we live
right by your side
and stand as one
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(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2004|10:12 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues

The rules have been updated, with 1 new rule:

[x] Please keep your entries on topic. Although you can post about almost anything going on in your life, please do not post irrelevant quiz results, requests to chat on IM, etc.

...and, this was already a rule, I'm just asking people to remember to follow it. =)

[x] Use the LJ-cut for pictures and long entries.

Thanks a lot, guys. I hope this community can be active and a place where people can come for support. Post more!

x psychter, your friendly mod
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help! [Dec. 19th, 2004|03:53 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues
ahh, is anybody good at the Constitution? i need to find out where republicanism, federalism, seperation of power, checks and balances, limited government, and individual rights are found in the Constitution.

if anybody can help me i will love you forever and ever!!!

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(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2004|01:34 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues
Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!


You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

Quiz Me
megan spins tunes as
DJ Smoking Cheese

Get your dj name @ Quiz Me

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

Quiz Me
megan was
a Strange Cult Leader
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

Discover your Zodiac Personality
Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

Your Existing Situation
Unwilling to extend herself or exert undue effort (with the possible exception of sexual activity). Feels that further progress requires more from her than she is willing or able to give. Would prefer reasonable comfort and security rather than the rewards of greater ambition.
Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to improve it without willing cooperation. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability and therefore considers it inadvisable to display affection or to be over-demonstrative. She regards the relationship as a depressing tie but, although she wants to be independent and unhampered, she does not want to risk losing anything. All this leads her to react touchily and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness. The ability to concentrate may suffer.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels she is receiving less than her share, but that she will have to conform and make the best of her situation.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him.
Your Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives her into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.
Your Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

*yeah, i got bored!* but it was fun wasnt it? well, it was fun for me and tookup all of 20 minutes...oh joy*

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(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2004|12:41 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues

fuck you
i hate everything about you
actually i hate everything
about me
you just happen to get in the way
why do i
care so much
about where i dump your body
after all
it is long gone
and chopped into tiny pieces
perhaps i shall throw it
into a dumpster
beside the playground
you used to enjoy
as a child
which reminds me
of back in my happy youth
when i would sit and swing
on our swing in the backyard
you hated me
because i always got the good swing
and you got the bad one
so you hit me over the head
with a baseball bat
it bled for days and days to come
as i lay there
on the sand beneath the swings
as you ran away
and left my twitching
twitching in pain
my head blead from the ears
and out the nose
but you just ran away
and cried for help
but it was too late
and so i lay there dying
my slow and bloody death
it was all because of you
i died because of you
and now i have come back
i have come back to get you
and dump you body in the lake
yes, in the lake
by the tree where we used to sit and talk
about fantasies that
we know would never come true
but we talked
of the dragons and princesses
up in towers
to be rescued
by a prince charming
i needed to be rescued once
you know
you were my prince charming
you were going to save me from the dragon
instead you left me to drown
and now i am here
to push you head under water
like you did to me
as i sank down i sufficated
and you laughed
you thought it was funny
by the tree
there was your bike
and when i floated back up to
the top of the water
you hoppped on your bike
and rode of into the sunset
like a real prince charming
but you couldnt hide for long
cause now im back to kill you
to get you back
to get my revenge
for all the years
you did the wrong
so i chopped you up in little pieces
but dont know where to put the body

*just my ramblings*
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