||[Jan. 2nd, 2005|01:23 pm]
dementedxcore - talk about your issues
heres the jist of it:|
just recentally, i had a friend from school who hung himself & another who tried to kill herself, and now shes in Oregon in rehab. Part of her therapy is, is that she writes home to ehr mother about things that have gone on. In her most recent letter, she said that me, her, and a few of our other friends had made this suicide pact. I found all this out from my parents. My parentsknow because my friends mom had called upo the head of guidence at our school, who also happens to be my guidence councler. He called my parents and told them of this suicide pact. He also said that he had talked to me about it. And that he had called the other parents whose kids were involved. Two being Cassidy and Byron. I asked both of them if they knew anything about this pact...both said no. And more importantly, Stan, my gc, had never talked to me about this pact! So now, my parents think that i am lying about that.
Thursday night, i went to the mall with a few friends (Brianna, Mike, Sam and me) then Brianna and I went to the movies and met Steve and Fonze. The two of them were being dicks, and wouldnt stop talking the entire movie, so Bri and i left and went the the pizza place, and then waled back up to the movie theatre where i was then going to call my parents to pick me up. When i got there, my dad was already there, and he had my mom on the phone. I told them that Bri and i left early cause we couldnt hear what was going on &it was pointless to stay. My mom doesnt believe that we were actually at the movies. I told her the 100% percent truth, but she still thinks i am lying!
I hate all these damn lies!
On top of this, my cousin, Katie, has cancer...she is 22 with a major in journalism & her entire life ahead of her. The doctors dont give her much time, so they took her off life support.
My dad has been out of work since i was in 6th grade, and so my mom has been going into NYC from 6:30 am till 7:00 pm. What she makes still isnt enough to support our family. Our financials are shit right now.
My parents are on the brink of divorce, but wont because they arent sue how me & my rother would handle it. My dad says that my mom wants a divorce and wants to sell the house, but mom denies ever saying that. (just another lie in my life...i think?)
Ive been cutting since i was in 8th grade. Mom took me to a shrink a soon as she found out about it. that didnt do anything, so i told them i was ok, just so i could stop seeing Dr. Rockwood (my shrink). that worked up until freshman year when my parents realized that i was cutting again. They took me to see a new shrink, Mary-Beth Kneiss. that didnt work out either. so now i am going to Dr. Phish. shes a load of crap, so i want to find someone else. Bri got me the name and number of one of her old shrinks Dr. Emily Adams. my mom found out about it and she seemed upset, so i just dropped it all together. I didnt want to cause more stress at home then there already is.
With all this, ive really got nobody to turn to, nobosy i could rely on. Not anymore anyways.
In 2nd grade, i met this girl, Colleen. We stuck to eachother like glue. I told her everything. We were best friends up until 6th grade. We drifted apart and she told the kids at school everything. Ya see, i went to a Catholic school (8th grade grad class of 52), so word traveled fast. She compleyely broke my trust. Then i found Amy in 7th grade. She was my new person i could confide in. Then in 9th grade, i went to the public school and she went th Pope John, the Catholic hs affiliated w. Revrend Brown (my K-8 Catholic school). All of the sudden she stopped talking to me and treated me like dirt just because i went to a public school. Then in Sparta (my current hs), i met Kendra and Byron the 2nd half of 9th grade. we immediately became real close. We confined in eachother. We all cut, but not together. For the rest of freshman year, the 3 of us were best friends. Then 10th grade rolled around...
Toward the beginning of sophmore year, Byron asked me out. we were together for about a month. Whilke we were going out, thats when Kendra tried to kill herself & Matt hung himself. That same year, one of Byrons friends up in NH died from an OD on heroin. So her best friend killed herself...she was also Byrons friend. Then the thing with Matt and Kendra happened...that really tore him apart. He needed someone to be there for him...someone he could trust...i was that person & he was that person for me. Then we broke up in the beginning of December. He started cutting himself over me & started to cut off ties with people. I was one of the only people he would talk to abouthow he was feeling, but now he doesnt even talk to me! I am worried about him! When he did that, i lost him as someone i could turn to.
Ya see, i am losing everyone ive ever cared about & losing everything about my life in the process...
It seems as if ive hit rock bottom & i dont know how to get back up again!
Im not sleeping, im depresed, i cut, i dont eat...im not hungry at all, and i am starting my "fake happy" again. The only person i have is Bri, and i am afraid to get too close to her in fear of losing her too!
im sorry this entry was so long, i just needed to get it out!
any help would be greatly appreciated!